Best Friend Break Up

For a long time, I've been journaling important parts of my life. Since this blog is new, I'm gonna share some moments that I deem as a crucial part of my life thus far. Moments which became highlight of the year.

Last year, I had a "best-friend break up". It was soooo painful, it torments me for months. Some may say it's more painful than breaking up from your boyfriend/girlfriend. But idk tho, I've never had one. I want my future husband to be my first and my last.

Added by my insecurities, fear of rejection, and her being my only best friend, the breakup torments me. I can't really say it's a breakup, it's just distancing, getting further apart as day goes. Have you ever had that? If so, then you know what I meant. The reason was pretty much stupid. I was jealous. She became close to a friend of mine (in a romantic relationship), denies their relationship exist, and somewhat forgot I exist. You know? the kind of jealousy that burns with thoughts like this: They no longer find joy in meeting you, their world suddenly shifts to their partner, you no longer become their "first person to tell when anything happens". But, I didn't have a right to be jealous, do I? It's her life.

Anyway, in those days, I wrote a few poems. I can still remember vividly how I cried while writing them. (Hey, crying is okay. It's good) So here is the poem.

If I accumulated all the pains of life at once, 

Death would pick me. 

They're placed strategically to build and refine. 

We forget and keep going. 

We're unchained to walk and run. 

Dang, it was a bumpy road. 

Thorns and traps are still lying ahead. 

Hold my hand, walk along with me. 

We'll be fine, right? 

We'll be fine.

 

-KED, March 13th, 2019

Yea, I was hurt badly. Darn it, you insecurities!

But gwenchana (괜찮아: it's okay), we got through it later on~

Ah, and also this, written just the next day.

I wish..

I wish I can tell you I cried alone in the car on my way home after that silent fight on Friday.

I wish I can tell you that it tortures me to lose your soul and be left with your body.

I wish I can tell you I cry every night because I'm feeling left alone.

I wish you just tell me if you're going into a relationship instead of giving me empty promises that you break before my eyes.

I wish I can still tell you he's neither any good to you as the previous one.

I wish you would consider what I wish I could've told you instead of pushing me away.

I wish you don't slam your defense wall on my face.

I wish I can tell you that I still care even if I'm no longer your joy and comfort.

I just wish..

But.. 

Whatever makes you happy,

Whatever gives you joy,

Whatever you see good,

Whatever helps you,

I hope it doesn't break you. 

Just like I did when I told you I couldn't agree with him.

I'll pray for you as much as I can bear. 

Just know, dear.

When he breaks you, I'll be here to comfort you.

When your image of him shatters, I'll be here to help you rebuild.

When your expectations are betrayed, I'll be here to guide you through.

I hope I'm still there alive to do it for you.

I love you.

Sincerely, 

Your sister in Christ, 

Your brainmate, 

Your half spikoe dough,

Whatever I am now to you. 

-KED, March 14th, 2019

In a way, I feel like it was childish. The silent fight, getting too emotional, and stuff. They end up hurting each other, as was expected. For months I was bitter. But let me just skip to the resolution and coda of the story.

October, 2019. One day in a connect group (abbreviated as CG, my beloved friends in Christ), someone spoke word of knowledge over me. I'm not going into details, but I was shook. Like very. very shooketh. They prayed for me and told me to forgive her. God relieved me at that moment, like my chains have been broken. Then I went straight to her apartment and reconcile. Now we're closer than we were then. I'm grateful for her. She's my sister in Christ after all, God won't let it go just like that.

Anyway, here's a quote from a sermon I heard. 

"Bitterness and hatred harms us more than it does to whom we are bitter to. It's like you're drinking poison and hoping the other person dies."

And here's a verse for you.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

-Ephesians 4:32 NIV

Please send me your thoughts while reading this in the comments, I'd be glad to read it :)

Sending my prayers and love to you,

-K