I long to rest

Ah, I have something to share. This is a poem I wrote in a low point of my life. When hit hard, I usually go to autopilot and express through writing poems. Hehe. Even though years have passed and I have healed from that, I'm sure you can still feel the sorrow and pain while reading it. It's originally written in another language but I'll translate it to english since I don't know where my readers come from. Ah I'm sad already. Okay, here we go!

~♡~

Don't be compelled to read. I just need clarity, not judgement.

No. A thing can never be completely positive, nor negative.

Traumatized, mortified, too disappointed to think. Deadlines are piling up. I know. But I no longer know how to concentrate.

I need time to reshape as a human, where being around people feels safe, where socializing is possible. Isolation feels secure, none can disturb. None endangers me.

But because I am who I am, demands chase me. Demands to submit to family's expectations, to be present and face friends, to be an excellent worker, to finish every tasks without exception, to socialize, to whatever else it is. I don't know anymore. All in less than no time.

What are humans capable of? Suspending fatigue and pressure, mounting up to collapse. Hitting the point it loses the desire for human contact, loses sanity, loses its will to live. Lost everything, leaving nothing. Yet pressured to still be perfect.

I long to rest. Really rest. From pain, from demands, from expectations. God, I want to go home. Tired of being judged by unrightful individuals. Tired of spreading positivity with scoffings in return. Tired. Weary. Fatigued. I just want to go home. Just home.

-February 14th, 2017

~♡~

It was hard, and I wasn't wise then. I've learned my lesson and God has healed me throughout the years. Don't live for any human's approval. It will only lead you to pain. That's how I lived then. Now I've learned, and am continuing to learn, to live in balance. 

Some of what I've learned is to not live chasing approvals. But also to not ignore every single advice or opinions fron people. Instead, filter it well and decide for ourself. Make sure you're sure of your decision. In the end, you're the one who walks your shoes, the one to face the consequences of your actions. If you can't take it, then don't. 

I'm grateful it happened. Despite the killing-pain, somehow it makes me feel alive. You know that cliche quote, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Let's live another day knowing we went through yesterday alive. 

What about you? How did pain change you?